Discovering The Magic

By freddielaraThoughts

Discovering The Magic

I’m sitting at an audition right now waiting to go in. Immediately I look around
and start comparing myself to the rest of the men here. And this comparison
never or rarely leads me to the feeling of being capable or sufficient. More
often than not it leads me directly to a feeling of fear or nervousness in my
body. Then inevitably when I walk into the audition room I am already in a
perception of lack just trying to make it through and hoping that I get the job,
though in some place deep within I have already decided that I will not be
getting this role. Because that is the egos motto, “seek but do not find”.

And the ego mind, the monkey mind, works in constant comparison- bad, good,
less, more, right , wrong, and then sets me on a journey of trying to fix this
deficiency somehow. That is how it works, because now it has me on a never
ending hamster wheel of trying to fix something that was never a problem to
begin with. It has me wrapped up in finding a piece of a puzzle that never
existed except in the illusion of mind.

Meditation is a clearing space where I can let go of those comparative dualistic
voices which I identify as me, as I. But that is not the self with a capital S,
that is the small separated self which I call the ego.

Because ultimately that is what this voice intends to do, to identify my self as
separate from you. Because that’s what these small judgements do, they put a
small, imperceptible wall up which keeps me from the realization of my oneness
with you.

And in this separation there is a sense of fear, of danger, of what u could keep
or take away from me. A sense of defense which needs a winner and a loser. A
sense of the need to protect myself from u if even in a very quiet, almost
unconscious way.

Meditation tears and dismantles this wall because I realize that voice is lying
to me. It is “suspicious at best, and vicious at worst”. Meditation allows me
to show up almost as watcher of the voice, almost as a third party aware of the
self talk and comparisons. And once awareness comes in the voices begin to
quiet, the judgement begins to dissipate. As I focus on my breath and my
aliveness the chatter begins to melt away leaving a sort of presence in its
place. This presence is what Buddhism calls non self or what new thought calls
The Higher Self.

In this presence dualism disappears and I am at rest and at peace and at one
with everything around me including you. I begin to be aware of the connection I
have with the wind and air and the earth and most importantly you. There is
nothing to defend against since the lie has quieted . “In my defenselessness my
safety lies”, since I only defend against an attack I perceive to be real, but
also in my defenselessness I have more power and a stronger ability to do the
job I came here to do.

Labels fall away and I can allow an unlimited expansion to my perception of the
world around me since I have not limited people, places and things by my
comparative notes. I can just let them be what they are without label, without
pre-judgement and by so doing i place a sense of curiosity and childlike wonder
there instead. I discover the magic that it is to be alive and in this moment.

Ok, enough chatter. They just called me in, so here I go-to be alive.